Thursday, 31 October 2019

Countess Sigmundina Freud - bosom envy ...

Countess Sigmundina Freud

I would like to take this opportunity to introduce myself. I am Countess Sigmundina Freud of The Castle, Extravagant Cake Mountain, Nr. Vienna (but not very), Austria.

As you may know, I am the inventor of Cycle-Analysis, the proven technique for resolving deep-seated emotional trauma. Lest the name of the technique puzzles you, I had better explain.

My castle is located on the very top of a mountain, the only ‘road’ that leads here is long and steep, and I learned early on in my career that one has to make one’s clients work hard in order to create lasting benefits.
Count Backwards von Hundred

 The clients (e.g. see pic) on which I based my theory all turned up for their 50 minute session so puffed, so utterly cream-crackered as the quaint English would have it, that their persona was shot to pieces.

They positively launched themselves on the consulting couch as if their life depended on it (and it may well have done judging by their pulse rate) and would tell all for a glass of water.

 Thus Cycle-Analysis was born. To tell the truth, the couch was only there to help them recover from the 15 mile uphill bike ride, but the practice of using a couch rapidly spread throughout the therapeutic profession and I didn’t like to let on that it had been something of a lucky accident.


Some critics have argued that my findings lack general relevance, as all my clients were neurotic, male, wealthy aristocrats with very well developed thigh muscles. My reply? In the real world, darling, you work with what you’ve got.

The major finding of my work was the existence in the male psyche of bosom envy. The ferocity with which they deny it just proves the point really, especially if you follow their eyes.

This has great relevance to modern day psychological and sociological problems. Consider for example the steroid gulping pectoral muscle building antics of ‘males’ in western gyms; Or the huge rubbery tyres on 4x4s; Or the puffed-up design of bomber jackets.

 Everwhere one looks there is clear evidence of the male desire to possess bosoms.


Sadly I didn’t get the credit I deserved for family reasons. When I caught my little brother, Sigmund, looking at pictures of bosoms in Thee Sunne (a comic of the late 19th, early 20th century), he ran off in a strop and invented the lesser and now much better known theory of Psycho-Analysis and the frankly laughable concept of penis envy.

Such a typical act of unconscious compensation would be hard to better, or even imagine!

Tags:  fiction, funny, psychology

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